Thursday, 24 May 2012

I understand now

For over a year, I've been struggling to understand why she left me. Was it because I was a drunk (most likely), was I mentally or physically abusive (maybe mentally, not physically), did I not provide for her (I paid for everything), did I not support or encourage her enough (I have a stack of unused musical equipment and brochures for educational programs)?

Whatever the case, the last couple of weeks has been an eye opener of "why did she leave?" Now, I know.

The main point from her point of view? I didn't want to procreate. She wanted to have a baby and a family and a white picket fence in the suburbs. I've been running away from that ideal all my life, I wasn't about to back down and take it now. I just wanted to have fun and share my fun with someone special, I thought she was that someone special. I guess not.

For the last few weeks (hence my lack of posts), I've been finalizing my divorce. When I finally got a hold of her, she had the audacity to tell me that it was my fault that I hadn't done it sooner. I've been trying to get a hold of her since November. It's now the end of May.

Anyway, a process that could taken 1 week has now been dragged out for over a year. 2 weeks ago, after I finally got a hold of her (phone disconnected), it turns out she was in New York with her new boyfriend?! No wonder I (and no one else) could get a hold of her. We finally sat in front of a judge, got our divorce, but in order to get the paperwork required for me to leave this god-forsaken country, I had to wait another week because her boyfriend from New York was coming to visit! She didn't have time to go to the various government offices to get the paperwork. I was okay with this. I'd already waited a year, what was one more week?

On the following Monday, I called her to get the rest of it. She said she would call me on Tuesday and we would meet in the afternoon so I could get all the paperwork. Again, I was okay with this. Tuesday rolls around, and not a word. No text, no call, nothing. Now it's Wednesday and I'm a little peeved, so I call, and her laissez-faire attitude, just set me off, I was pissed.

For 6 years, I was a pretty easy-going husband. I tried to get her to jobs, encourage her to further educate herself, sing in a band (I bought guitars, keyboards, drums, and I don't even know how to play music, I can barely sing in the right key)-- every whim she had I tried to accommodate her. I paid all the rent and bills, put clothes on her back, food in her mouth. It was like looking after a child and she has the balls to say I'm childish? I spent almost a decade in a foreign country, away from my own family and daughter because of her, and she goes so far as to say the breakdown in our marriage is my fault.

I've had enough. It wasn't my fault. Quite simply, she was a selfish little bitch with the maturity of an 8 year old. I did my best and it wasn't good enough, so I'm done with that. No more pandering to little girls. You want to be treated like a queen, then act like a person. If I have to grow up and contribute to society, then so do you.

When I tell people that I just got a divorce, they always say "I'm so sorry." I'm not sorry, I'm pretty fucking happy it's over. Now, I'm free. No more stress, no more nagging, no more responsibility.

I'd rather be alone forever, than to deal with all that bullshit again.

Onward with the adventure.